HYLIAN WAR: The Aftermath(A Zelda BASED fic.) by FLAIRFAN777

[FLAIRFAN777]

yup, it's here...... NOTE: this is a zelda BASED, fic, meaning, it has absolutely no zelda characters in it.... btw, this was on the Nsider(R.I.P.) but now that it's gone, i needed a new site to host it.
here it is!


HYLIAN WAR: a legend of Zelda based book
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Part One
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~death is how life begins~

   it was terrible, the destruction, the yelling and screaming, the bodies. Many people died, very few survived. But those few survivors had no where to go. The castle, the village, everything was destroyed. No matter where you turned, all you would see is blazing fires and mountains of rubble. We can't really say we won, theirs still a greater evil out there, somewhere. a man with short blonde hair stood up. He seemed sad, looking at the destruction. "is this victory?"

16 years later

   everybody was wearing black, as if they were going to a funeral. But it wasn't a funeral, it was for the memory of everybody who gave their life that day, sixteen years ago. a man with blonde hair that went down to his neck walked up on a platform, he cleared his throat and began to speak "today, we thank everybody who gave their life that day, the day of the Hylian war."

   as his speech went on, a man in a black cloak walked up to a lady who was also wearing a black cloak and said "who is that man up their?" at first she didn't answer, he asked again, no answer.

   it seemed as if he was talking to no one, then he heard this line "as I, your king...," the cloaked man seemed excited, he pushed hi way through the crowd of people. He got as close to the king as possible, but he said "let the ceremony begin"

   everybody was walking up on the platform in an orderly fashion, and laying a rose on a memorial. One by one they all went, then the girl in the black cape came up and everybody started whispering "hey that's the half blood" one girl said to another. Half blood, eh, the cloaked man thought.

   finally the cloaked man walked up, at first he did nothing, he just stood their. Then finally he removed his hood to reveal a man with black hair and red eyes "it's your turn to die, syris" he said.

[FLAIRFAN777]

chapter archive

[FLAIRFAN777]

character archive 1

[FLAIRFAN777]

character archive 2

[Retronerd]

Your main problem is capitalization (I think that's how you spell it). Let me go through the basics.

. Every sentence starts with a capital.
. Every name starts with a capital.
. If 'I' is alone it's a capital.

That seemed to be your only grammar mistake.

Now detail is really weird. There basically is none. I could not imagine one thing. You wrote the story like, "Did this and then did this." You need to include detail. Like I didn't know what the Hyrule memory thing looked like for example:

Everybody was wearing black, as if they were going to a funeral. But it wasn't a funeral; it was for the memory of everybody who gave their life that day, sixteen years ago. A man with blonde hair that went down to his neck walked up on a platform, he cleared his throat and began to speak, "today, we thank everybody who gave their life that day, the day of the Hylian War."

I fixed you're mistakes too.  :O ;D  ::)Now the only part we learn about the boy is that he had blonde hair that goes down to his neck. Come on can't we have a little more? You could have written it like this:

Everybody in Hyrule was wearing dark clothes, hiding there faces full of tears. It looked like a funeral but it wasn't; it was for everyone who died in the war to save Hyrule. It felt like that terrible day only happened yesterday, but it happened sixteen years ago.

A man wearing a black hat which hid all of his blonde hair approached the platform full of wood. The wood was cut from trees from the Forest that was east of Hyrule castle. He was about to make a speech. He swallowed bits of nerves and to ready to talk. "Toddday," he shakes nervously trying to hide behind his hat. "We celebrate the people of Hyrule who died in the War."

His blue eyes full of nerves broke into eyes full of tears. Slipping down his crystal eyes onto his small noise and landing onto the floor of the rich grass that surrounded the castle that Hyrule built hundreds of years ago. 

That adds a lot more detail. And gives the reader more of a vision of what the place looks like. Well I'll be reading this and see how it improves.

[FLAIRFAN777]

now, what i just want to say, is that i made that way FOR nsider, but i did plan on turning it into a full-fledged book, by then i will edit it to include more detail(i will also edit anything that has to do with zelda, and change it to something original, so that way, i won't have to get nintendo's approval to publish it)