A new story I'm working on, help?

[Tsumaru]

I've been toying around with the idea of the world a few decades from now, and I wrote a little on it.  Can you guys give me some suggestions?

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Section 1

The chattering beep of the alarm clock broke my pained sleep.  I rolled over on my uncomfortable cot to give the snooze button a good smack.  My eyes met the LCD display, which showed the time and date.  It was already noon, right in the middle of summer on July 15, 2050.  I decided to just get it over with and rise from my slumber, my knees snapping and creaking on the way up.  I brought myself a few feet over to the window and looked at the city.

It was so desolate, the only life to be seen was the collection of watch towers that reached at least 150 feet into the air, maybe more.  Atop the towers stood guards hiding behind gas masks, to protect themselves from the smog.  They were equipped with high powered rifles, used to pick off anyone and everyone who decided to act out against the oppression formerly known as the United State Government.

I strolled over to what my landlord called a bathroom (more like a broom closet with a faucet if you ask me) and prayed that water would emit from the tap.  I turned the handle ever so slowly, and a vile brown liquid spewed from the opening.  Disgusted, I shut it off.  I looked over to my nearly empty water container and sighed.  What was the point of living this hell of a life?

I opened up my laptop, hoping to find some decent news on what little internet connection they let us have.  The news ticker on the side of the New York City Overwatch page told the tale of the Asian Conflict.  All over Asia, riots and bloodshed exploded.  This was all, of course, a war over natural resources.  Asia was bone dry, and food and water became a very coveted luxury.

Humanity's stubborn nature will always overcome any obstacle you throw at it.  People will not simply lay down and die quietly.  Desperation coupled with anger is a very dangerous substance.  Half of the world is in a deep famine, while the other half is speeding toward the same fate faster than The Flash on Meth.

It's a very mad world, indeed.  Welcome to 2050 in the Land of the Free.


Section 2

The Overwatch act as a constriction of the city.  Officially known as Project T.E.A.R - Total Eradication of All Rebellion, they were initially commissioned as a team to be brought out whenever the population became uncontrollable and violent.  The government had foreseen the widespread panic that would eventually choke the city to death, and they began to slowly put the guards in place.  Soon they were granted power that surpassed the regular law enforcement; the ability to eliminate severe offenders of the law without warning.

Very soon after that, Martial Law was declared, as the population naturally began to feverishly rebel against the ever-building Overwatch.  Yes, the government had effectively declared a state of emergency that they themselves had brought upon the city.  Now these highly armed 'guards' unleashed havoc upon all that stood in their way.  There was no room for disagreements.  To put it simply, you obeyed or you were put into a bodybag.

The internet wasn't a safe haven either.  T.E.A.R. had the Federal Bureau of Investigations on their side, and every corner of the internet was being tracked.  Nothing was safe.  I wouldn't be suprised if they were even listening in on our thoughts.  Some cried foul, and some just choosed to go along with it.  You can probably guess which group is still alive.

Everything in New York City (as far as i know, it may be the whole country by now) is under government control.  There is but one thing to watch on television, and that is the Overwatch report.  The internet is now one website--the official Project T.E.A.R. site that displays propaganda and world news.

They won't let us out of the city.  We're basically chained up dogs; the most we can do is run to the end of our chains and look around at the boundary in front of us, as well as all around us.  Every day we hope for some kind of salvation from all of this, but none has shown itself.  The name on my identification card is Everett Kennedy Cox, but there's no telling when they'll take that from me.

Hell, they've taken everything else.

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That's all I have now.  If you bothered to read it, can you offer me some suggestions or a few critiques?  They would be much appreciated.

[Tsumaru]

Section 3

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The planet is certainly in dire straits.  It's a very hot summer, nearly 90 degrees; very uncommon for a northern city like NYC.  It's hot everywhere, especially near the equator, where temperatures were expected to reach triple digits for the rest of the summer months.  The polar ice is melting, and the water in the seas is on the rise, and so was the temperature of the Atlantic.  Last year we had a total of six Category 5 hurricanes, and I've never seen one come to close to New York.  As kids we read about the great storms of the Gulf of Mexico.  I have a feeling the future generations will be reading about the great storms of the east coast.

The air isn't healthy to breathe.  Those who can afford them wear masks when they roam the streets; those who cannot have more health problems than a smoker.  Post-industrial China is now unlivable, with smog levels so high that you can't even see your hand in front of your face.  It's like a nuclear wasteland out there.

The oil industry is on its last leg.  Oil wells are going dry, and we just keep using more and more.  Our parents and grandparents thought that the black liquid would last forever.  They couldn't be more wrong.  There are a few gas stations placed throughout the city, even though seeing cars traveling on the road is a very rare sight.  The price of a gallon of unleaded fuel is $6.89.  I'm glad I have a bicycle.

The bright lights that once shone all over Times Square are now dimmed, and the constant sound of footsteps that rattled all the way through Manhattan is now silenced.  The once exciting and prosperous New York City is now a ghost town gripped by fear and uncertainty. The only familiar sound is the roar of military choppers patrolling the area, or the feint sound of a rifle going off followed by an even quieter sound of a body dropping to the cold ground.

It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood.

[jnfs2014]

Sounds like a lovely story. Also, good writing.

[Tsumaru]

Holy crap, a reply!  Guess I should update.

Section 4

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As I took out my last two eggs and cracked them open onto a skillet, I heard a familiar noise across the room; a cat's meow.  "You hungry too, Precious?"  I called over to the feline with as soothing a voice as I could muster.  That fluffy white head poked out from behind my bookshelf and strolled over to the stove.  She nuzzled my legs as she walked around the floor, as she had always done every morning.  I must be going soft, I thought to myself, to be giving what little food I have to some animal.  But she wasn't just some animal; she was special.

I can remember very clearly how I met my little furry friend.  I was on my way to the grocery shack across town when I heard a quiet meow coming from an alleyway behind me.  I turned around to go and see what made the noise, though I'm not sure why.  What I found was the lifeless body of what seemed to be a teenager face first in a pool of blood.  A bulletwound to the head claimed him, most definitely caused from the Overwatch.  There was nothing I could do for the poor boy.  I looked at the cat, and it started back at me with unwavering intensity.  Its name tag said its name was Precious, and that its owner was someone named Brett.  I guessed Brett was the young man before me.  Being the kind person that I am, I took the poor thing home to live with me.

I picked at my portion of scrambled egg while I checked the morning news on the Overwatch's site.  There was a very large banner on top of the Project T.E.A.R. logo that seemed to scream at me without saying anything.  In bright red letters, it said "PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT."  I clicked through, and a very long letter streamed onto the screen.  It was a cease and desist notice.  The Overwatch caught wind of an organization plotting against them and was issuing a stern warning to all parties involved to put an end to their actions or face the ultimate penalty.

Then my eyes crawled over to my email inbox icon, which was lit up to show that I had an unread message.  That was particularly odd, since Overwatch had never sent me any messages before, and I had done nothing wrong.  I clicked on the icon, and viewed my inbox.  One lone email with a subject of "PROJECT R.A.G.E. INVITATION."  Intrigued, I clicked feverishly on that subject line.  What I saw in the message was something that I could only hope was the salvation that I had been praying for.

Fasten your seatbelts, folks.

[Tsumaru]

Section 5

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It was what I hoped would come one day; what we all hoped would come.  I read over the email five or six times, a smile of hope never leaving my face.  It was a call to all citizens to rise up and overcome the troubles of oppression, and to bite the hand that fed us nothing but lies and hatred.  The assembly was known as Project R.A.G.E.--Rebels Against Government Existence.  It was a direct threat to the security of the city, as the Overwatch would say.  Its mission was to tear down everything the Overwatch stood for and set it aflame, effectively restoring New York City, and one day the entire country, to its former glory.

It was certainly a lot to take in.  Everything I had experienced for the past 5 years under the Overwatch was about to be turned on its ear.  The time of change was fast approaching, and I saw that my time had come to take the wheels of fate into my own hands with the help of this organization.  The email stated that there was only one entrance into the headquarters, and it was lower Manhattan.  A short walk, but I had to be careful.  Overwatch were on high alert with this security breach.  I guessed the breach was about the network hack to get those emails out.  At least I was dealing with some fairly intelligent people.

I put a container of water along with a few other supplies into my old backpack that was basically in rags.  It wouldn't be very long to the south side, but I had to prepare myself. There was no way I was going to live with my face to the ground under these fear mongers.  I looked over to Precious, and I could see the curiousness in her eyes.  I scratched her forehead.  I pointed to the water and food dishes on the floor I had filled for her.  "I'll be out for a while, girl.  I'll try to be back by tonight.  Don't rip up my cot, if you can help it, okay?"  I said brightly, but she continued to stare at me with her old familiar intensity.  "You'll be okay." I said on my way out the door.  She meowed back.

On my way down the stairs I tried to psych myself up as much as possible.  I expected myself to be giddy with excitement right now, but it just wasn't there.  Had I possibly become accustomed to my old way of life under the Overwatch?  I was safe, sure, but was I happy?  No, of course not, I thought to myself.  This was definitely for the best.  I was torn, in a way.  Part of me wanted to just keep going the way it's been for so long, a life of predictability and boredom.  But the other part wanted excitement.  It wanted revolution and a severe shift from familiarness.  It was obvious that the excited side was winning, because I was already on the street and well on my way to Project R.A.G.E.

I hope the entrance isn't something stupid; like, a dumpster or something.

[Tsumaru]

Section 6

After a long while of walking, I came upon a spray-painted image of a fist with "RESIST" written below the tag.  Then under that was an arrow pointing to a neglected alleyway.  I looked down the walled street and thought for a moment.  The rest of the city was pretty well kept up, but this place looked like it hadn't been touched by the Sanitation Dept. in years.  I slowly walked into the slip, looking at the walls on each side of me.  They were plastered with propaganda of the apparent resistance against the Overwatch.  These people surely weren't afraid to voice their opposition, and I liked that a lot.

I just had to say dumpster.  Tucked into the dead end of the alley was an old, broken trash bin with another spray-painted image above it.  It was a bloody hand pointing down into the opening of the bin, as if to say I needed to get in.  I thought about the possibilties.  Maybe it was some type of elevator down to the headquarters of R.A.G.E.  On the other hand, it could be a trap that could send me to my death.  I was ready to take that chance, as I raised one side of the cover and peered inside.  It was completely black inside, no way to see if it lead to freedom or to jagged spikes.  I took a deep breath, and climbed in.

I could feel myself falling, and sliding in all kind of different directions.  My heart leapt at every change of direction, and my lungs found themselves unable to draw air from my state of shock.  I opened my eyes but could see nothing.  I was unable to get the thought of this being some kind of trap out of my head.  After what seemed like forever, I felt myself falling again, but this time I landed.  With a large thud, I fell onto some kind of hard surface.  I opened my eyes and looked ahead.  There was dripping water coming from a pipe.  I turned, scanning the area.  It smelled vile, almost like a sewer.  It turns out that I was in a sewer, the Manhattan sewer system.  I pushed myself up off of what seemed to be a mat, and looked around.  There were strung up lights everywhere.

I followed the lights for a long while.  After what seemed like forever a large flickering glow filled the tunnel.  Someone called out to me, his voice echoing throughout the metal drainage tunnels.  "Hello friend!  You will be a great addition to the cause!"

Jackpot.

[Tsumaru]

Section 7

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I jogged over to the man with his arms stretched out in greeting to me.  He was a man who looked to be in his 50's, with deep circles around his eyes.  I somehow knew I could trust him just by shaking his hand.

"Come with me, we're very glad to have you here."  He said to me as he turned and made his way to what I figured was the heart of the operation.  The floor was metal and clanged with my every step.  I looked around, everything was very makeshift.  There wasn't much elegance to this place, but I could tell it took a great deal of time and effort to secretly get this set up.  "Do you like our headquarters?"  He said to me from behind an old computer monitor.

I nodded, "Yeah, looks like you guys have a pretty solid setup."  I looked at the 3 desks set up, probably the broadcasting center.  There were about five or six computers all humming with life as the man wheeled his chair around to each one of them and typing a few letters at each.  Apparently he was quite busy.  "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"My apologies, I should have realized.  I'm Nolan, head of operations at Project R.A.G.E.   This project is my brainchild; I've spent the better part of ten years working on perfecting a way to overcome the government occupation."  He stood up and began to pace around the ring of computers.  "At first we were a very small group of six men and women.  We had no where to discuss our plans, so we used any way we could to meet.  Originally we used an old warehouse, but after Overwatch tore that down we were forced into the underground.  One of our members was a sanitation worker, and he worked on converting a dumpster into a passageway into the sewers.  I believe you took a ride in it today."

"So what is this all about?"  I asked, still quite curious to what these people even did.  With all this equipment and what seemed like plans plastered all over the walls, they had to be up to something big.

"Overall, we aim to bring the Overwatch to its knees, then destroy their means of oppression.  This means we must attack from the inside as well as the outside.  The entire population must unite against them.  As you can imagine, it is quite difficult to find moles that will feed us information from the inside.  Barney, who is now the sanitation manager, was basically just a regular civilian back when this started.  He has proven to be very valuable to us; however, he can't do it alone."  Nolan said, never once looking in my direction.  This man was extremely focused.

"So you're saying that you want me to get into the Overwatch?"  I deduced from all of the information he gave me.  I could never imagine working for those dogs.

"I'm not going to force you into anything, son.  I've seen your record.  You're clean as a whistle, and the Overwatch is accpeting employment requests after this little 'security breach' I cooked up.  They're going to be looking for a team to help bring us down, and what better opportunity to get inside can we ever hope to have?"  He said, spreading his arms out and facing away from me.  He turned, and gave me a very intense look.  "So what do you say? Will you help us bring down Project T.E.A.R.?"

"Hell yeah!" I exclaimed, raising a fist.

[Tsumaru]

Section 8

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"Good, good!  That's the kind of enthusiasm I like to see in today's generation!"  Nolan said with new excitement.  "You're going to need a fake name to get into the Project, you know."  he said, turning to his computer and sitting back down into the chair.  "Everett K. Cox is all fine and well, but just incase things get too heated and you are found out, you'll have a safety net to fall back on."

A new name sounded appropriate to me.  I immediately started to brainstorm ideas for new identities.  "How about Alan Yale?"  I suggested.  I heard the clacking of keys from the computer.

"Alan Yale, eh?  A very modest name; low-key.  I like it."  he said while typing up my new information.  "Now if you think a simple name change is going to give you a new identity, you're sadly mistaken."  He said, looking up at me.  "Son, these people mean business.  Complete DNA checks are necessary for employment."

"So what do you suggest we do?  I can't just change my DNA, that's crazy!"  I said with disappointment in my voice.  I just knew it wouldn't be that easy to infiltrate the fortress that was Project T.E.A.R.  I walked over to the desk and leaned against it, thinking hard.  What could I possible be able to do to change my DNA?

"Don't hurt yourself, Everett.  You didn't think I hadn't thought this through already, did you?"  He said, rising from the chair and walking over to a bookshelf tucked away in the back.  He came back with a vile of clear liquid, which looked identical to water.  "This will mask your DNA for a short time after you drink it."

"But what good will that do?"  I asked, skeptical.  "Won't that just give me more of a problem?  My DNA won't match up to anyone on their record, it'll give me away as soon as the results come back!"  To me, this was just as bad as using my own name.

"You'll just have to be quick, then.  They're stressed for recruits right about now, and I imagine they'll put you into circulation without getting the results in first.  You'll need to use your wits to get the information out of them.  Then, on the day before the results are in, I'll have you deal a blow to the Overwatch so earthshaking that they won't have any choice but to hear our plea!"

"And just what is this 'earthshaking blow'?" I asked, intrigued.

"A remote detonated bomb."  He said, eyes full of mischief.

[Dog Food]

It's interesting. I only read the first and last few sections because they caught my eye as I was scrolling through it. But, I'd like to read more. It's got good narration and flow to it that can hook a reader, but it's short. I hope these 'sections' aren't their own chapters. Unless your planning on making one of those small books with 100 chapters, you need to lengthen this thing. Especially if you are planning on putting it on an internet site. Here's one known fact: On the internet, good stories need to be lengthy as well as well-written. Yours seems well-written so far, the plot is interesting, the grammar and spelling is overall in check, but it's too short.

You can make it longer by adding details, character development, or some imagery that secretly forebodes something yet to come. You know, something you read that you don't really think is important, then later it is unmasked and you hit yourself in the face, saying, "D'oh! Why didn't I see that coming?".

But like I said, looks good. Keep at it.

[jnfs2014]

Good writing. :)

[Eizweir]

That's great :)
But what I'd like to see is more detail on how all this happened.  You said a bit, but still we should know more.