You wake up in a small pub, on the floor, covered in some sort of liquid. The place is booming with people, very loud and alive, hurting your ears. From your perspective, there is a bright light above you, to your left, what you assume to be the counter, and to your right, 5 tables, 4 of which have 6 people, the 5th has only 1.
>INSERT COMMAND
>Check Gender of Person Alone at Last Table
long commands ftw
Quote from: Riddler on March 06, 2010, 03:32:31 PM
>Check Gender of Person Alone at Last Table
long commands ftw
You manage to prop yourself up to see the person at the last table... it appears to be an older gentleman. He's wearing an old Green Beret... beret, a button-up shirt, slacks, sneakers, with a cigarette in his mouth, beer in one hand, paper in the other, and my God, he has a magnificent beard.
>Steal the Older Gentleman's Magnificent Beard
Quote from: So_So_Man on March 06, 2010, 04:05:56 PM
>Steal the Older Gentleman's Magnificent Beard
You attempt to get up to steel said beard, but you fall over, writhing in pain. Your legs are weak, your back, stiff.>INSERT COMMAND
>Crawl to Magnificent Beard Man, hereinafter known as MBM.
Quote from: Riddler on March 06, 2010, 05:02:52 PM
>Crawl to Magnificent Beard Man, hereinafter known as MBM.
You pathetically crawl to MBM's table, he eyes you eerily as you cry in pain. You finally arrive at his table, and pull yourself up to the other empty chair at the table.>INSERT COMMAND
>Remove pants
Quote from: Jason Rose on March 06, 2010, 05:21:36 PM
>Remove pants
Your legs are too weak to stand, thus making it impossible to slide your pants off.>INSERT COMMAND
>yank out your tooth and give it to MGM, then ask with your mouth full of blood if he will trade it for his Magnificent Beard.
>Ask MBM for pain killers.
Quote from: Riddler on March 06, 2010, 06:32:02 PM
>Ask MBM for pain killers.
"Excuse me... sir... d'you have any... painkillers?"
He eyes you again."Painkillers? Sonny, walk the pain off."
"Sir... I can't even stand..."
"I can fix that, boy."
He stares into your eyes, and slowly, they start to glow. His beard starts to emit a bluish aura, slowly moving towards your legs. The pain evaporates almost immediately."How... what... !?"
"Heh... you obviously ain't from around here, are you boy?"
"I don't even know where I am..."
"Don't worry, sonny, just call me Beardy."
"Birdy?"
"No, Beardy. Like a Beard, but with a Y thingamajig at the end."
"Alright... Why did you help me?"
"The Beard is benevolent."
"The... Beard?"
"
THE BEARD!!!!"
"What the hell was that!?"
"
It is I, The Beard! I know all, I do all, I AM all!"
"Why are you so angry!?"
"
I AM NOT ANGRY, I AM MERELY SPEAKING IN MY NORMAL VOICE!"
"Alright... but now what?"
"
That is up to the readers!"
"...readers?"
"Shit, Beard, you broke the fourth wall!"
"
NO I DID NOT, YOU ARE HALLUCINATING."
After this... strange conversation, you decide to talk more with MBM.>INSERT COMMAND
>Ask him where you are.
Quote from: (K)ilo (J)oules on March 06, 2010, 07:07:57 PM
>Ask him where you are.
"Er... Beardy... where exactly are we?"
"Well, sonny, I ain't quite sure myself. Y'see, I woke up about 6 hours ago, sittin' right here in this pub. I ordered some booze, bought a pack of cigs, got today's paper, sat down, been sittin' here ever since."
"The paper doesn't say where we are?"
"Nope. Name of it is "The TIMES". Nothin' special, either. No mention of a location of any kind."
"How peculiar..."
>INSERT COMMAND
>steal the man's wallet
>Kill MBM and steal The Beard
>Don't ignore the commands of JrDude
>Ask for a ride on the beard
>Celebrate your new-found mobility by dancing on the man formerly known as MBM's corpse
EDIT: We should have made the first command be "Retrieve your arms"
>Venture outside
>Win Game
Quote from: Magnum on March 06, 2010, 09:02:15 PM
>Ask for a ride on the beard
"Er... Beardy..."
"Yeah?"
"Can I..."
"No."
"You don't even know what I was gonna ask!"
"Sonny,
everyone asks for a ride in the beard. The answer is no."
Quote from: Dontimpersonateadminskthx on March 06, 2010, 10:35:26 PM
>Win Game
Victory. (http://tf2wiki.net/w/images/9/93/Your_team_won.wav)
"...the hell was that?"
"The hell was what, sonny?"
"I dunno, some lady just said victory."
"Son, you must be goin' crazy. Let's go get some fresh air."
You and MBM get up from the table and start to walk to the door."I don't think so."
Two massive men block the doorway.>INSERT COMMAND
>Discover latent superpowers and walk through the wall
>Insult their faces
>Fart
finds a rope and pulls. a anvil starts to fall from high up
>Kick them in their dicks.
Quote from: So_So_Man on March 06, 2010, 09:14:24 PM
EDIT: We should have made the first command be "Retrieve your arms"
Well, why not now?
>Retrieve arms
(MS Paint Adventures FTW!)
>Chop off massive men's afros
>Steal sunglasses
>UPDATE THREAD
>kick SkyMyl in the balls
Quote from: (K)ilo (J)oules on March 07, 2010, 02:01:17 PM
>Kick them in their dicks.
That might be a bad idea, considering their MASSIVE GIRTH...
>knife them with the tooth you considered trading for The Beard
>Ask the men politely to step aside so that we may continue on our destination
>stab a man
Quote from: Dontimpersonateadminskthx on March 08, 2010, 05:38:01 PM
>Ask the men politely to step aside so that we may continue on our destination
"Please, kind sirs, would you kindly step aside so we may continue on to our destination?"
The guards, baffled by your politeness, step aside, and gawk at you while you walk out the doors.It's a sunny day outside, the cows are singing, the birds are mooing, the rabbits are gathering up their nuts, the sky is a strange rainbow-y color. What a wonderful day to be dead.Welcome to Hell.>INSERT COMMAND
>go locate and flip off Satan
>Ask Beardy how he possibly could have died when he has such a magnificent beard.
Quote from: (K)ilo (J)oules on March 09, 2010, 01:45:47 PM
>Ask Beardy how he possibly could have died when he has such a magnificent beard.
"Beardy! Where the hell are we?"
"Son... I think we're... in Hell."
"Hell!? I don't remember dying!!! And how could have YOU died!?"
"That's why I'm so darned confused, sonny! The Beard protects me from death, for crissake! Maybe we ain't dead?"
>INSERT COMMAND
>Try Killing Self to be sure.
>Do something about these stupid animals. Teach them how to truly sing, moo, and collect nuts.
>Try killing Beardy.
>cut self
>Burn in hell
>Examine the contents of your inventory/pockets/hat
Quote from: So_So_Man on March 09, 2010, 09:09:50 PM
>Examine the contents of your inventory/pockets/hat
You take off your prized Newsboy cap (http://tf2wiki.net/w/images/4/44/Scoutbakerhat.png) and examine the insides.
Nothing except the warm cloth.
You put it back on, and go to check your hoody's pocket, along with your pants pockets. You find a small USB flash drive in your hoody pocket, a few singles, a remote control, and a 3 Musketeers chocolate bar (your favorite, and surprisingly unmelted).>INSERT COMMAND
>press the power button on the remote control
Quote from: SkyMyl on March 10, 2010, 01:17:17 PM
>press the power button on the remote control
You press the power button. Nothing happens. Strange, you remember a light popping up...
>inspect the remote for batteries
Quote from: SkyMyl on March 10, 2010, 01:27:06 PM
>inspect the remote for batteries
You open the back of the remote and check... nothing. Looks like the remote's useless.
>ask Beardy if he has any batteries on him
Quote from: SkyMyl on March 10, 2010, 01:33:38 PM
>ask Beardy if he has any batteries on him
"Hey, Beardy! You got any batteries?"
"Batteries? Nah. The Beard can power that clicker, though. Not sure what it'd do."
>INSERT COMMAND
Plug the USB into The Beard.
>look for females
>ask Beardy if he could attach his beard to the remote so you can press the power button
>Eat that Musketeer bar before it melts.
>Plug the musketeer bar into Beardy's beard to see what it does.
>Plug Beard into Remote
>Hit Power
If man says no,
>Offer man singles, then try again.
>Plug singles into beard to create a fire
>Use fire to light self on fire
>Burn in Hell
Quote from: (K)ilo (J)oules on March 10, 2010, 07:13:02 PM
>Eat that Musketeer bar before it melts.
You unwrap the delicious treat and savor every bite. It is intercourse ing delicious.Doo-dee-doo!
-5 total hunger.Quote from: Riddler_Rob on March 10, 2010, 08:59:34 PM
>Plug Beard into Remote
>Hit Power
You do so... the remote lights up, but nothing appears to happen...
>Suffer in hell because you foolishly ate your only food
Quote from: So_So_Man on March 11, 2010, 05:53:19 PM
>Suffer in hell because you foolishly ate your only food
>implying we need food if we're dead
There would still be suffering because you miss the taste of the chocolate bar, if nothing else. Also,
>Start Cult worshiping The Beard and The Remote
>Tell Beardy about NSFCD
>Find somewhere to plug your USB into in order to find out what data is inside it.
>Ask MBM to do a trick. Offer money.
>Get High.
>Attract Kilroys attention
random anvil falls nearby them
>Get this thread to update.
>ENGAGE RIDLEY MOTHER FUCKER
>UPDATE THREAD MOTHER FUCKER